today my copy of "PTSD for dummies" arrived. luckily for me it fit into my still mud-encrusted mailbox so i was able to avoid the dreaded knock at the door by my mail woman. i've been looking for the book in actual bookstores for months to no avail. i've been afraid to order it on-line for fear it would have to be delivered to my door and i live in near-constant agony that a knock on the door will stop my heart cold. i finally spent the whopping $7.98 to order it from amazon and began the mailbox watch in earnest. now that it's here, and i've dodged the door-knocking bullet, i'm consumed with a real fear of reading the damn thing. could it possibly make me worse? will i develop a new symptom (one that has nothing to do with the now almost comfortable toenail and/or rubberband debacles?) could additional information get me one step closer to a new understanding or cause me to revert two steps and draw a line in the sand? if only i could be sure of anything!
i had a job interview today with a local animal hospital. it was last minute--which was good as i didn't have time to obsess over it--but it was a nightmare for me. i was a wreck. i have no idea if i spoke even one intelligible sentence. the place is under construction and my anxiety soared when i saw all the building materials and tools laying around. i couldn't get out of there fast enough. 6 hours and a midday xanax later and it's all a big blur.
i managed to cook supper and eat a bite but otherwise the night has been spent in a long mental wrestling match with myself over this PTSD book. i think i'm going to have to be content that i ordered it, paid for it and got it inside. the reading of it will have to wait until i'm stronger.
the only pleasant part of my day was that i made myself go in and allowed myself to buy a bottle of my favorite wine from one of my favorite shops. i couldn't afford it and i didn't need it but i wanted it and bought it. i opened it and had a glass with dinner. it was very nice. www.broadsidewines.com
grace and peace
hey, at least you got the first interview out of the way. the first anything is usually the hardest! and don't worry about the book. you'll read it eventually. just put it by your bed and maybe osmosis will work and you won't have to read it at all.
ReplyDelete