"fear can be headier than whiskey, once man has acquired a taste for it." donald dowes
i have, for the last 9 or 10 months at least, been operating under the assumption that i am painfully yet seamlessly working my weary way through the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. with the help of my wonderful trauma therapist i have come to the only logical conclusion, which is: that i haven't even begun these treacherous steps! i remain precariously perched on the cliff of fear and anxiety and wholly in the grip of the fight to survive. though the flood and the "actual" danger have long since passed, i am stuck. STUCK!
i have been concerned for some time that i haven't cried a lot since the flood or really even been angry; overwhelmed but bordering on numb. i've said more times than i can count that i feel as if i'm living the world's longest may 2nd. the last 16 months are one long blur, shot through with fear and anxiety. none of which further the "grieving" process.
perhaps i can claim, in some small way, that all of this is "denial" and that i will soon be enveloped in the exhausting ecstasy that is "anger." i hope so. i hope for things to be better than this. i hope for a time when the "real amy" will stare back at me in the mirror.
may you, may i, may we all, feel His
grace and peace
this reminds me of a line from "the shawshank redemption" (someone tell stacey's mom!) - "hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. and no good thing ever dies." keep hoping.
ReplyDelete