good days and bad days

this week has been a constant reminder of the ups and downs we all encounter in these fragile, glorious lives we lead. 

monday 2/13 would have been my friend joy's 38th birthday.  she and i were inseparable through elementary school and jr. high.  we lost touch after high school but i never stopped thinking of her and never stopped loving her.  the news of her death hit me hard.  her birthday is always a hard day for me.  here's a picture of us in the summer of 1987.  we were 13.

i think this year it's been harder to think of her in light of whitney houston's death.  houston's concert was the first we attended together in 1986 or 87.  our friendship was full of music and concerts but whitney's was the first. 

tuesday 2/14 valentine's day doesn't affect me much one way or the other (in or out of a relationship) while there are times that i would like to be part of a couple (certainly i think having a husband or boyfriend during and after the flood would have helped in some ways) i am generally a content single person.  

my little brother had his post-op doctor's visit on tuesday as well and had the many staples in his back removed.  bless his heart.  i'm glad that step is over! 

wednesday 2/15 my nephew, ben, turned 7!  hard to believe how fast the years pass.  i attempted all day to find the energy to drive the 35 miles to my brother's to see him but i kept chickening out.  i still don't feel well and spent most of the day in a constant struggle to sleep off my week-old headache.  i felt a little reluctant, i suppose, because i couldn't afford to buy him a gift.  that, and of course, that leaving the house for any reason is always fraught with anxiety and dread.

thursday 2/16 i have to go see ben today because he will go back to his mom's tomorrow until after the weekend.  have been saying to myself all morning, "you can do it!"  i still don't feel like i can do it.  still no gift to give him (not that he cares and not that he needs anything!) and still no motivation to go anywhere.  i'll do it because i promised him on saturday that i would see him today.  my anxiety level is HIGH!

my little sister's best friend is having her baby today so that's good news!  prayers to her and her family.

friday 2/17...remains to be seen.

grace and peace









not just scrooge at Christmas

i live 8 miles from downtown nashville but, of course, it used to be the country and there are still a few old family farms around.  this is the scene a mile from my house on one of the said farms.

the hay bail appears october 1 decorated with broom, witch's hat, black cat, etc.  then he becomes a turkey (which is rather quite cute,) then santa's hat, boots, sack of presents, etc. appear.  this is the first year in my 7 years in this neighborhood that it's decorated for valentine's day!!  i'm sure next month it will announce the coming of st. patrick's day and then Easter!  what?!   

now if you don't know this about me already, it probably won't surprise you to know, that i hate holidays.  all of them!  the little ones, the big ones, the made up ones.  i fantasize on many occasions about pulling my car over and kicking the hell out of this thing!  luckily it sits on a busy road in a sharp curve and there is nowhere to pull over.  i was amazed that i was even able to slow down enough to take this picture.

with my anxiety i exist in such a vacuum.  the months since the flood have been both eternal and fleeting.  save for this hated hay bale there is a chance i would have no idea what month it is.  perhaps that one sad fact has saved it from my wrath.

grace and peace 





the heart wants what the heart wants

no, i didn't NEED another cat but i think she needed me.  i love her.  my mother was in the market for a new cat and i went with her to the shelter knowing it was most likely a mistake in that i, indeed, went with the cat carrier in the car in order to transport a cat i kept telling myself that i WAS NOT going to get.  i fell in love right away.

i've tentatively named her moxie.  she is not lacking it and i love the name. 

winston doesn't care about her presence at all.  kentucky is NOT thrilled.  it always takes time to adjust but i'm hopeful that they will make friends and that they will be good company for each other.  i look forward to watching them play together.  it's been a long time since i've had two cats this young (both about a year old) at the same time.

grace and peace and cats

all things must pass

"none of life's strings can last/so, i must be on my way/and face another day."  george harrison

i've been thinking a lot about home today, or more accurately, my hometown.  what makes a home a home and what make a place so damn special?  is it memory of times spent, friends made and lost, loves come and gone?  is it the knowledge of ones history as it relates to time and place?  is it the familiarity with landmarks and quirks in the towns layout? 

nashville is full of things that infuriate visitors and natives alike:  the ever-present line at pancake pantry, the streets with so many name changes that they make postal carrier one of our most challenging jobs, the fact that at any given time a driver may be on 2 interstates simultaneously headed both north and west or south and east, tourists in daisy dukes, cowboy boots and cowboy hats year round... 

i ran numerous errands today and listened to a special tribute to long-time nashville DJ, david hall, who died unexpectedly over the weekend.  i thought about all those nights in the early 80s listening to KDF (hall's first nashville radio gig) late at night with my brother as we lay side by side in twin beds listening to the likes of quiet riot, kiss and led zeppelin.  in the late 80s when the cool station was "the FOX"  (david was there as well) we listened non-stop to the beatles, queen, and the rolling stones.  in 1993 (while we were in college) we quickly took to the new independent station in town, lightning 100 (on any given day one can hear the cure, the civil wars, amos lee, U2, blondie, the black keys, the beatles...always the beatles), david went there and was there for the next 19 years, i have listened to "david hall rock y'all" since i was just a little kid.

david hall 1954-2012

i wondered if a voice on the radio can anchor us to a place in a way that is as undefinable as it is real. 

i passed a billboard with a picture of my state farm agent on it and felt nostalgia sweep over me at the fact that his father was my parents' insurance agent when they got married in 1969 and he became my insurance agent in 1990 when i got my driver's license.  he's gone now and his son insures my car and now my post-flood house.  for 40+ years our families have been in business.  nashville is not a huge town but we have a million people here and i wonder how many people can claim a 40 year relationship in any fashion these days. 

i smiled as i drove passed my favorite coffee shop, portland brew, and salivated at the very thought of the best coffee and chocolate chip cookies in town.  i didn't stop the first time i went by but i caved on the second pass...both coffee and cookie were perfect! 

finally on my way home i began to think about my very complicated feelings about this precious place now.  no matter where you go in this city you are never far from the river.  you have to use both hands to count the number of times you span it within the city proper.   

 

unfortunately there is a living breathing part of this place that i now despise.  i've added another half mile to my walking route and i now walk to a park entrance on the river bank but i stop just short of the very shallow park and turn around some 20 feet before i see the river.  the park consists of a playground, a swingset, a boat dock, some benches and some picnic tables.  it is tiny and i can't walk across it to look down into the river.  i can't even imagine doing that.  i know how close i am but i can't see the water from the road so i'm okay. 

i don't know the lasting effects of the flood on my psyche.  i know there are days when i can't go out because i don't want to have to see the river and i can't avoid it in any direction.  i know that my hometown remains a refuge because of the rambling memories listed above but what does one do when they need a refuge from their refuge?

grace and peace and "david hall rocks y'all!"



doctors vs. car salesmen

firstly, my little brother's surgeries both went well and he's already out of the hospital.  prayers that he will be pain free soon!  the time spent at the hospital was anxiety-inducing for me, of course, and i'm now sick as a dog.  i got home after monday's surgery and spent all night long lying on the bathroom floor/hugging the toilet.  i don't know if it's stress related or if i picked up a bug at the hospital.  either way i'm down and out! 

none of the anxiety there equalled the panic i felt on saturday when i accompanied my mother to test-drive a car at the nissan dealership where i bought my post-flood car.  5 weeks after the flood i spent an agonizing day buying a car i didn't want (only because my pre-flood car was paid for and in great shape--i like my new car) and i was having to replace it along with EVERYTHING else.  i rode with her for one test-drive then left to eat lunch and visit with a friend.  on my way back to nashville i stopped by to see the car she decided to buy and was struck with severe panic over the thought of having to step foot into the loan manager's office where i signed all my final papers.  i couldn't go in with her instead i sat in the show-room looking crazy both because of my attempt to calm myself with slow, loud, yoga breathing and also my occasional elvis sing-along to the weekly saturday elvis special on the radio (this is tennessee after all!)

upon seeing her car and leaving the dealership i had to pull my nissan over into the mcdonald's parking lot to calm my panic attack before i could get on the interstate for the 50 mile drive home.  it was awful.  since i had gotten a haircut while in dickson i was itchy from both the anxiety and the hair-covered sweatshirt i was wearing so i jumped in the shower when i got home and stood under the HOT water until my skin was lobster-red and i could breathe evenly.  it seems that though my panic attacks are less frequent they are much more intense when they come.  perhaps not a good trade-off.  i can't tell.

grace and peace  

well...i caved...

the plan was to refrain from alcohol at the house and only have a drink on the very rare occasion that i'm out of the house and feel like a glass of wine or a shot of jack daniel's.  tonight, though, i caved and bought a bottle of wine.  i haven't had a drink since new years eve but on my way home from the hospital tonight (my little brother had surgery today) i just couldn't help but stop at the liquor store.

i decided that i would have this bottle and then maybe buy a bottle before the beginning of lent. i've observed lent the last 2 years and never cheated so i'll give up alcohol this year.  (2 years ago it was chocolate and last year it was carbonated drinks.)

i spent all day today with my mother, dad, ex-step-mother, and future sister-in-law.  that was stressful enough but i have another 5-6 days of the same as my little brother has to have another surgery on monday.  it just seemed like wine was in order.  while i have never had a drinking problem, alcoholism runs in my family, so i am always conscious of my intake.  i am trying really hard to lose weight and the red wine doesn't help but i figure a glass tonight won't derail me.  i'll run tomorrow...

i bought this bottle in honor of my best friend whose favorite literary device is "irony."

grace and peace and pinot





be still my beating heart

so much of my anxiety is a fear of the unexpected:  a knock at the door, my iphone signalling a text message received, winston barking at a noise only audible to dogs or superheroes.  tonight i was 20 minutes into a movie when i heard the deafening sound of sirens approaching the house.  in the time it took to disengage myself from the pug and the snuggie (no small feat on either front) there were 2 fire engines, 2 police cars and an ambulance parked just across the street. 

the panic was immediate:  my heart started to race, my hands to sweat and shake, lips to tingle and legs to stand unmoved from my front window.  i have never been one of those people who slows down to stare at car accidents on the other side of the highway.  i am not by nature nosy or even inquisitive about other people.  but i stood in that window peaking out like like my very life depended on it.  in fact, that's exactly how it felt.

on the night of the flood i stood in that window while on the phone with my brother saying, "i'm on my way out.  there is a man in a canoe on my street!"  fire trucks had already blocked one of the two entrances to the subdivision closest to me (and closest to the river of course) so there was only one way out. i left here not knowing where to go; the last we had heard all the roads were closed and we were stuck.  seeing those lights again tonight triggered that fear that is always just under the surface waiting to erupt. 

i am concerned for my neighbor who was eventually taken to the hospital in the ambulance.  i don't know her but i do know her husband.  i hope she is well.  but i will admit that the fact that it seemed to be a minor medical issue as opposed to a crime or a fire or something eased my mind more that it should have.

i watched the rest of the movie while fighting off a full-blown panic attack.  now, 2 hours later, i am still trying to calm myself down.  my heart hurts.  i know that tomorrow i won't even remember the name of the movie i watched but i fear i will always remember the fear those sirens bring on.

the chances of me being able to read are slim so i may try to put on a comedy, one that i know by heart, "the breakfast club" or "clue" or something and try to lose myself in the familiar jokes and dialogue.  my heart could some soothing.

grace and peace