beginning of a hard week

it rained all day yesterday.  it rained all night.  thursday is may 2:  3 years since the flood.  i walked this floor yesterday as if i were gonna have to swim my way out.  talk of flood watches and warnings abounded - my anxiety skyrocketed.  

 

sleep was hard in coming.  i managed an hour or so after the rain finally stopped.  today i'm so tired that i cannot see or think straight.  i finally made it to the kitchen to cook supper where i unloaded the dishwasher and put a load of towels in the washing machine.  

 

now i'm waiting for time to go to bed.  i can't go before 12 or so because i will be up at 3 or 4 otherwise.  i remember what i cooked and ate for supper - pasta.  i remember most of what i read today (probably only because it's one of the best writers ever - larry mcmurtry.)  now i'm having a really hard time remembering if i took a shower or not.  i've washed all the towels so i can't judge. 

 

when my anxiety is this intense i lose time and i have a hard time remembering very basic things.  i hate the way it feels.  i feel crazy and lost.  i don't think we're due any more rain for a few days so that should help a little but may 2 looms...

 

grace and peace

life goes...on...

i'm having that sensation today that we all get on the day of a loss, a funeral or the first day back to "normal."  the "my life has changed forever and these people are going about business as usual" feeling.

i feel pretty empty and tired and hot (85 degrees today and the air conditioning at the bookstore is out.)  i just can't wait to close up and get to the house.  i have no internet at home (again) so i thought i'd post while i had access.  

i'm tired of losing things and people and pets.  the third anniversary of the flood is looming and i dread it.  someone mentioned may 2 today as the day they will close on a house and i thought i would scream!

in serious need of sleep!

grace and peace

1926-2013

87 years. a long successful life, full of family, love, God and service. granddaddy lived well and loved much. i will miss him.

in loving memory of James Walter Willis. march 11, 1926-april 13, 2013

grace and peace

day 2

for obvious reasons i'm anxious.  my grandfather died yesterday morning.  i have to leave the house in about an hour to head to the visitation at the funeral home.  yes, it will be mainly family but some will be people that i haven't seen in years and years.  certainly not since the flood.  since my anxiety can now  be registered on the richter scale i find it frightening as hell to have to go stand in a room full of people and grieve.  i just want to be left alone to do it on my own. 

 

i've never been one of those people who are freaked out by dead bodies or won't go to the casket or anything like that but i find the whole thing...being laid out in front of people...covered in tammy faye baker makeup...dead...quite ridiculous and unnecessary.  i know some people need all that to accept that their loved ones are really gone but i know he's gone.  he's no more gone to me by standing over his body. 

 

i've always wanted to be cremated and i refuse to have any kind of funeral.  if people want to get together and remember me..fine..but don't you dare let them do it in a funeral home!!!!!  i always find it to be a hinderance to the grieving process and i can't wait for tomorrow to be over.

 

much needed grace and peace  

a watched pot never boils

what does one call the anticipation of a bad thing?  dread?  fear?  i don't know but that's where i am.  my grandfather has slipped into a coma today.  though i've been saying, "it's only a matter of time" for a week now, it's here. 

 

i don't feel like i want to be there when he draws his last breath but to be 50 miles away and waiting on a phone call is unbearable.  i'm not working tomorrow because i have wonderful co-workers who have my back and because i can't take one more day of trying to be "normal" while watching my cell phone in...anticipation.

 

i'm going to have to shop for clothes to wear because i'm not the same size as the the last time i had to dress up.  that's stress enough.  i'm a BIGGER size not a smaller size so that makes me anxious and the money makes me anxious and shopping for clothes to wear to my grandfather's funeral (which i'm not gonna want to wear again) is too much. 

 

on this very rainy day i was blessed with a slow work day and a lengthy visit with my favorite cousin and her family.  she always makes me feel better.  she doesn't know this but the last words our grandfather spoke were to her and they were..."i love you." 

 

i talked with my best friend on the way home - which always helps too - and was able to find the energy to cook dinner.  now i'm ready to finish the last 50 pages of my book and turn the lights off and watch "dr. who."

 

grace and peace



can't win for losing

feeling pretty put-upon this morning.  almost got hit by a grandmother, on her cellphone, with her 2 granddaughters in the back seat.  i was coming to work through the gulch, where the roads are curvy and unpredictable, and while she was sitting still in the left lane at 12th and division i was approaching the light in the right lane just as it turned green.  she floored it and immediately got into the right lane...my lane.  i had to slam on the brakes and somehow narrowly escape jumping the curb and smashing into a pole.  i flashed my lights at her and honked my horn.  she never so much as looked up.  i sped up and passed her with my heart pounding and panic setting in.  i got to work before my anxiety went through the roof.  

now i'm here and panicking!

i was already upset by 2 much smaller occurrences:  yesterday i stopped at CVS (one of my 2 preapproved "safe" places) and bought 2 diet cokes which were supposed to be on sale for 2 for $3 but i checked the receipt after i got to work and saw that i was charged full price.  i can't stop thinking about it.  i'm mad.  

then this morning as i getting my lunch together i noticed, in the bag of individually wrapped trail mix that i eat as a snack, that one of the 12 bags was empty.  EMPTY!  when money is as tight as it is i can't have a missed snack and paying full price for a diet coke i should have gotten free.

at least i'm here now and safe.  i can stand to miss a snack and the $1.50.  it's just the principle of the thing...

grace and peace  

versa v. mustang

i should write more, i know.  i just can't seem to get it together.  and anyway it seems that as soon as i get one bill paid another gets behind so i either have phones but no food or electricity and no internet, etc. 

 

i got into a fight with 4 teenage boys in a mustang on the way home tonight and realized i was acting like a kid myself--in my tiny nissan.  why did it matter to me that the driver was showing off?while he was driving irresponsibly i was never in any real danger but i reacted as if i were.  i drove way too fast to get around him, and around him again, and finally got off at my exit (with him in my rearview mirror.)

 

i had a good day at work but my anxiety is ever-present.  i just kept waiting to leave and then realized that i like it better there than i do here.  ugh!  sleep won't come but i'm determined to be in bed early tonight and pray with all my might that i get a good nights sleep.  i could sure use one.

 

be patient with me and i will get back to writing on a regular basis soon...i hope.

 

grace and peace