breathe in, breathe out

my anxiety is through the roof.  last night i worried all night that someone would break into the bookstore and steal orson the cat.  no one did, but that didn't keep me from worrying all night about it.  tonight i had to go the CVS (one of 2 pre-approved places that i can shop - the other being trader joe's) and the lady that is usually at the check-out went on break while i was shopping and i couldn't check out because i didn't know the guy behind the counter.  i had to stay an extra 20 minutes, and spend an extra $20, until my normal lady got off break. 

 

i finally realized once i got home tonight that my heightened anxiety has been present since the day that there was flooding in nashville a couple of weeks ago.  i've got a call in to my psychiatrist to talk about my meds but i haven't heard anything yet. 

 

i was talking to someone about PTSD today and i got anxious all over again about the fact that it doesn't go away but that those of us afflicted have to learn how to live with it instead of how to cure it.  that's anathema to me.  i want it gone and cured and in my past not just "managed!"  it's such a hard thing to accept.

 

my therapy is progressing but i always feel like it's one step forward and two steps back.  i guess that's normal.  i don't know.  i don't know much right now. 

 

grace and peace  

the sun'll come out...

i can't even describe how i feel today.  no matter how many times it happens it's hard to acknowledge that i can't describe or even define my feelings or my emotions.  i woke up this morning thinking that i was getting sick:  i was achy and sore, tired and feverish.  as the day went on i realized that i wasn't necessarily sick but perhaps anxious. 

 

it's not the usual path my anxiety takes.  i can't read, can't write, can't watch a video, can't sleep, can't rest, can't sit outside and can't find a comfortable place inside. 

 

all i can do on days like this is pray for peace and look forward to tomorrow.  maybe it will be better...

 

grace and peace  

enough's enough!

for a flood victim this much rain is scary.  it's not supposed to be rainy like this in august.  january, yes, but not august.  my anxious mind and heart can't take much more.  the sun peaked out for a few minutes today but it wasn't enough.

 

the flooding is supposed to continue in the area and, though i don't believe i am in any danger, it means that i can't turn on the TV (the one channel that i have) and i can't escape the panic that i feel on a nearly-continuous basis. 

 

the last few days have taken a toll and i feel less like myself than ever.  that's saying something.  it causes me to believe that i will never get better, never put this behind me, never NOT be a victim.  i'm so tired. 

 

i hear the rain on the skylight as i type this and feel my heart racing to match the cacophony.  it hurts. 

 

i had errands to run today before work and i have more tomorrow.  i think i'll try to get in bed early and pray for sleep or at least rest.

 

grace and peace 

death on a cracker

i have no idea where the phrase "death on a cracker" comes from but i know it when i feel it.  

 

today's been a hard day.  i'm very tired, not sleeping and am feeling extra anxious.  the long weeks and months of sleep deprivation build up and my body eventually shuts down - i have an occasional weekend where i'm just no good.  i had that weekend this weekend and now it's monday night and i'm still just as tired.  i got home from work on friday around 6:30 and didn't leave the house (except to walk the dog) until this morning at a few minutes after 10.  not much sleep but not much else either. 

 

when this kind of tired hits i am reminded of how i felt for the 6 months to a year after the flood.  the sheer pain of exhaustion is a trigger like no other:  sirens, flashing lights, rushing water just to name a few.

 

i wish i had a week on a beach somewhere or, better yet, a week in a medically-induced coma.

 

grace and peace      

when it rains it SUCKS!

here's how many times i DIDN'T think of the flood today:

 

1.  i DIDN'T think of the flood when i got to work this morning and there was half of a wet ceiling tile on the floor and dozens of books ruined.

 

2.  i DIDN'T think of the flood when i had my first asthma attack of the day after trying to ascertain which books needed to be removed from the shelves.

 

3.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as i took pictures for the inevitable insurance claim.

 

4.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as clouds moved in and the sky grew heavy.

 

5.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as the rain fell.

 

6.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as a generous employee of a neighboring business helped me pull dry books off the shelves into boxes and garbage bags.

 

7.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as the water pooled at my feet.

 

8.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as i talked on the phone to the owner of the bookstore.

 

9.  i DIDN'T think of the flood as ceiling tiles fell around me.

 

i DID think of the flood as i contemplated someone (anyone but me) pulling all the wet books off the shelves and dragging them to the dumpster. 

 

i have thought of nothing else.

 

i filed the insurance claim and arranged a crew to come start the clean-up TOMORROW when i'm not there.  

 

i cannot let the bookstore, my "safe place," become bogged down in memories of wet, smelly, belongings that are precious and ruined.

 

here's hoping i'm able to actually do that.

 

grace and peace

 

 

 

 

 

be kind: please rewind

for those of us who grew up in the 80s you know what this title means.  for the youngsters: this phrase was found on VHS tapes (for our top-loading $600 VCRs) as a reminder to rewind the movie we had driven to the video store to rent, paid for, driven home and watched - assuming it was a good copy - and then were fined for if we returned it the next day without having rewound it.

 

tonight as i was watching "skyfall," the latest james bond film, i was thinking about this phrase.  i had to hurry and watch so i could get it back to the mcdonald's redbox before 9:00 and was anxious about it.  i didn't want to go out.  i was wishing i hadn't gone out yesterday to get it.  i was thinking that pre-flood i would never have missed a james bond movie in the theater.  now i can't go to movies and i hardly ever think to rent them. 

 

i was thinking that i wanted to REWIND to yesterday and stay home therefore not having the pressure of today.  the "have to go out" stress i now live with.  (truth the told, that's always been stress for me it's just much worse now.)  then i thought if i could REWIND to the time in which the movie was in theaters then i could have retroactively avoided any stress today.  however, if i could REWIND that far, how about just REWINDING to my pre-flood life.  

 

the trouble with that, and i know i repeat myself, is that i have no memory of that time or me in that time.  i feel so different than that person - the pre-flood amy.

 

i know we don't get do-overs and i know that we have to live and play with the cards we are dealt.  i'm just not sure how to do that and ever find this elusive "new normal" i keep hearing about.

 

grace and peace (and don't forget to REWIND!)  

halftime

today is july 1.  half the year is gone.  i wish i could say that i am 6 months closer to well or that this first half of the year has been better than the last but none of that is true.  yes, i love my job but i am still anxious all the time.  i'm still afraid all the time.  i still feel like someone else all the time.  i don't even know what being amy would feel like anymore.

 

it's exhausting to always have to try so hard just to function.  it's amazing to me the things i neglect that i NEVER would have pre-flood.  i just don't always care about sheets on the bed or clean clothes or food to eat.

 

all i want to do is read books and play the guitar (learn to play the guitar, that is.)

 

grace and peace