day off

i thought i was gonna get to spend most of this 65 degree december day at home.  it's my day off.  had to go over to a friends house to help her catalog some books she's selling (if only i could buy them!) that's 4 hours.  then i was off to the vet to get orson the cat's glucose checked.  got there at 3 and at 3:30 the vet came in and asked if they could keep him until close - 6:00 - so they could check his glucose every hour. 

 

in my past life i would have gone to hang out in a bookstore or taken my book (in my purse) and gone to a coffee shop for 2 1/2 hours.  now, of course, the former is unthinkable and the latter is downright impossible.  my anxiety allows for none of that!  i came home, through heavy traffic, and watched M*A*S*H, read my book and missed orson.  fought my way back to the vet then home again through worse traffic.

 

orson has a UTI which might be interfering with his insulin (it's not been very effective lately) so he has antibiotics to add to the insulin regimen. 

 

when i was sitting at the vet at 6:10 i was pretty upset about losing my day.  but then i heard a woman crying in another room and realized her day was far and away worse than mine in that she lost her kitty or puppy today.  i don't know which but my heart breaks for her.  i've had to euthanize babies before and it's such a terrible loss.  i came home to my 3 animals and felt thankful.

 

tomorrow will come too soon as i now have 3 loads of clothes to wash and it's already 8:30. 

 

grace and peace

is this what life is?

today is payday.  i bought gas and now i can't pay my mortgage.  that's not a good a problem to have.  not a problem i saw myself having at 41. 

 

i'm so tired. 

not a happy camper

i'm having an awful day.  tired and sick and anxious and sad and angry and tired again.  i'm completely and utterly spent.  i just want to disappear.  put the pets in the car and drive until i run out of money and/or road.

 

i don't know how to keep going like i'm going.  i'm unhappy in every possible way.  maybe all this is just the accumulation of the last 3 months of emotion and exhaustion.

 

feeling put upon and picked on.  how do you keep going when you don't want to?

 



thoughts about me

anxiety is a shape-shifter.  what i'm anxious about today may not bother me tomorrow and a new fear will rear it's ugly head.  there's no predicting it and no preparing for it. 

 

isolating is a part of who i am.  i'm an introvert to the nth degree.  i find people exhausting and infuriating.  i would much rather be alone with my books, my notebooks and my animals than be with anyone.  i've always been this way.  since PTSD it has become an even greater part of who i am - to an unhealthy degree.  agoraphobia is the term.  for the first year after the flood i was scared nearly to death to leave my house.  the very place i despise.  a vicious cycle ensued - so scared of what happened to me in this house that i found it impossible to leave it.  so mush so that stepping on the front porch would cause hour-long panic attacks.

 

now things are a bit different though i still struggle mightily with going anywhere.  it seems all too pointless and scary.  since daddy's been in the hospital(s) i've fallen into the familiar pattern of home, work, hospital, home.  no grocery store, no seeing my few remaining friends, no life but the small one i've been left with (or carved out for myself, i can't tell the difference).  the scary part, sometimes, is that i don't want to do anything else.  

 

i'm just wondering if this is all there is?  wondering if this is all i'll ever have?  i have so much work to do yet to manage my PTSD and i'm exhausted by having to do it.  part of me just wants to give up.  part of me can't imagine ever feeling better.  i know that's a symptom of the disease but it's an alluring one.

 

i touched base with my therapist today for the first time in weeks.  just today i realized that it's been at least 2 months since my last appointment and i think i'm feeling the result tonight. 

 

grace and much needed peace   

day 50 something

it's been more than a month since i've even thought about writing.  7 and a half weeks have passed since daddy went to the ER.  it feels like years to all of us i think.  since my last post daddy moved to a cancer treatment center where he received 3 weeks of radiation (5 days a week) and chemo (once a week).  now he's in a rehab center where he's getting physical therapy every day.  don't know how long he will be there.

 

then HOME.

 

we will meet with the oncologist later this month for test and reevaluation to decide on future treatment.  diagnosis is the same, of course, but prognosis is much improved.  i don't know how long he has and i find that rather unimportant at this point.  the important thing is that the time he has left, be it months or years, is as pain-free and as filled with love as possible. 

 

i want him here as long as i live.  that's obvious.  i can't imagine my life without him.  right now, though, i'm just glad he got to the hospital when he did and that we are in week 8 of the rest of his life.  had he not gotten there when he did i believe he would be gone now.  as hard as this is it is bearable compared to his dying untreated and in pain.

 

since this blog is in large part about my struggle with PTSD and anxiety i will try to address what i'm feeling as far as that goes.  it's hard to define, as i'm not sure i've stopped long enough to think about me during this, but here goes...

 

in some ways i've noticed my anxiety less in the past 8 weeks as i'm too focused on daddy to think of anything else and too tired to give a damn on the other had.  that being said, i'm shopping nearly 100% online because the thought of a store is terrifying.  not sure if it's exhaustion or increased anxiety but i have little to no ability to do even the few things i was able to do before. 

 

prayers please.

 

grace and peace

 

 



day 19

19 days ago daddy went to the ER with shortness of breath.  he was admitted and less than 5 hours later he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and intubated.  by the next day we were told he would probably never survive without the ventilator and that his diagnosis was week to months.

 

today we are on day 19 and he's breathing on his own most of the day, his lungs are improving thanks to a stent and removal of some of the cancer after a surgery on thursday.  as soon as he's off the vent they intend to do radiation and chemo.  i don't know what any of this means in terms of his overall diagnosis.  they aren't giving us a timeframe and that seems like good news.  they continue to be surprised at how strong he is.  he has no other health problems and never has.

 

i'm exhauted and scared but hopeful that his prognosis continues to improve. there is a possibility that when he's off the vent that he will be allowed to go home.  that is what we are praying for.  as i said, today is day 19, and i'm taking only my second day away from the hospital.  it's been a long time since i was this tired.

 

i have to finally go back to work on wednesday.  praise God that today is a holiday and tuesday is my regular day off so i've set my sights on wednesday as my return date. 

 

keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

 

grace and peace

what now?

what do you do on the day you get bad news?