catching up

haven't felt like writing for a while.  life is exponentially different these days. 

my wonderful daddy died in april.  for so long my life has been defined by "before the flood" and "after the flood" but now it's "before daddy got sick" and "after daddy got sick."  he was the most important person in my life.  having him gone has opened a whole in my heart that can't be closed. 

he went to the ER on august 20, 2015 and was diagnosed with lung cancer before that day was done.  he lived 8 months.  they were a hard but wonderful 8 months.  i miss him every minute of every day! 

since then i've undergone many a change.  i opened a business (a used bookstore) i moved, i filed bankruptcy, i started a new job, i asked God to let me go to heaven to be with daddy, i asked him to have my business succeed, i asked him to show me how to live a life without daddy on this earth.  i seem to ask him something new everyday but as long as i'm talking to him i have faith that he will provide.

i don't know what life is supposed to be.  is it supposed to be a series of traumas to survive?  is it supposed to be a choice between the lesser of two evils?  is it supposed to be pain on top of pain?  i don't know.  i know that scripture tells us that hard times WILL come.  we aren't supposed to go through life pampered and pain-free.  the pain that comes is supposed to test us and make us rely on God.  i hope that i've done that. 

i know my faith is strong.  i know my daddy would want me to keep going.  i know that i will.

grace and peace.

good riddance

tonight is the last night i will sleep in this house.  i’m moving to a house my great-aunt left to my mother in 2013.  it’s not where i want to live but it’s infinitely better than living here.  in hindsight i wish i had not rebuilt the blasted thing after the flood. 

because i’ve recently opened my own business and because daddy died in april and because my money has run out i’m done paying for this place.  since the flood i’ve spent more than 50% of my salary on my mortgage (before utilities) i can no longer afford it and i’m past ready to be out of here.

i’d like to think that some of my anxiety will lessen when i no longer have to come home to the place where my trauma happened.  i expect to always experience some anxiety, as PTSD never goes away completely, but i think being away from here can only help.

i’m faced with the possibility of bankruptcy and having to get a “real” job while somehow still keeping the bookstore open (with the help of my mother who works for me a day or 2 a week for free!) but i think i can avoid foreclosure by letting the bank sell the house through a short sale.  since the flood the house has lost so much of its value that i owe a good deal more than it’s worth so the possibility of me selling it is nil.

i’m outta here tomorrow with the pets and then my brother and i will move the big stuff (bed, dresser, dining room table) later this week.  the rest of the stuff:  all the other furniture, dishes, small appliances will go in the front yard for a yard sale when i can manage it.)  the large appliances—only 6 years old, like everything else I own—will live in my brother’s barn until i need them.

i hope i feel relief.  i can’t imagine what that must feel like.  i know i won’t feel any regret about leaving here!

i wish i weren’t having to do this without daddy!  he would know what to say to make it feel better (at least for minute.) 

grace and peace and goodbye!

6 years and counting

today is the 6th anniversary of the flood.  the day that changed my life beyond compare.  the day that i morphed into a jumpy, scared, fundamentally anxious ball of nerves.

today is worse in that daddy isn't here to comfort me.  i haven't been able to blog about the loss of my dear, sweet father - he's been gone less than 3 weeks.

i'm 2 days away from opening my own business, the dream of my lifetime, and he's not here to share that day either.  he was able to see the store and participate in the planning and the preparation.  last may 2 he came to my work to visit and check on me.  i faced today without him and it HURTS!

i'm tired and anxious and weepy.  i have lots of last minute things to do tomorrow and i just want to hide.  i want to stop, to shut down to hibernate. 

i want my daddy!

bone tired

because i sleep so little my body finally has to tell me when to stop.  i have no choice because it does the stopping for me.  for a solid week i've been so tired i'm unable to think, read or do much of anything at all. 

i go to work (where it's very slow this time of year) and make it through the day but that's all the energy i have.  today is my day off and i've hardly moved.  i need 6 months of sleep.  at least.  i should have done a handful of things today both inside and outside the house but i didn't. 

life of a chronic insomniac.  it's no fun.

grace and peace

mourning david bowie

when i was young, 7 or 8, my older brother and i spent a lot of time listening to the beatles, the beach boys, jan and dean.  we loved music.  we both still do.

as i became a teenager and things at our house became harder and scarier we took refuge in music often, if not always.  we listened to all kinds.  i particularly took to prince, the stones and led zeppelin.  i can say with absolute certainty that led zeppelin saved my life on numerous occasions.  in high school and college it was U2, pearl jam and a lot of the beatles (always a mainstay).  i still love all these bands. 

after the flood, in the early days of PTSD and exhaustion, i had no TV and no internet.  all i did was listen to music.  the first cd i replaced after the flood was david bowie.  i was listening to all kinds of people along with those listed above, among them:  carole king, blondie, queen, sam cooke, sinatra, elvis, adele, springsteen.  but i listened to bowie EVERY DAY.  every single day.  

on the days that i was too terrified to even open the front door, let alone go out to walk the dog, i played bowie on the turntable.  on the few days i was confident enough to take a long walk i listened to bowie on my ipod.  on the days i was able to go somewhere i listened to bowie in the car. 

bowie saved my life.  when i heard about his death on monday i was crushed.  not having known he was sick it was such a blow.  i ache for his family.  i mourn for a world without him.  selfishly, i mourn for a man i didn't know but that saved me.

RIP starman!

empathy and sympathy

when i was a teenager my house was not a happy one.  i relied on friends for a lot.  one friend in particular who lived fairly close by.  her father was the chief of police in our small town.  i spent an awful lot of time in her house.  they fed me when there wasn't food in my house, they were kind to me when there was no kindness in my house, they treated me like i was one of them when there was no place for belonging in my house.

i mourn with my friend today.  her daddy died of cancer today. 

watching my own daddy go through all he's been through in the last 4 1/2 months with cancer makes it hit even closer to home.

thank you, dean, for everything.  RIP

day off

i thought i was gonna get to spend most of this 65 degree december day at home.  it's my day off.  had to go over to a friends house to help her catalog some books she's selling (if only i could buy them!) that's 4 hours.  then i was off to the vet to get orson the cat's glucose checked.  got there at 3 and at 3:30 the vet came in and asked if they could keep him until close - 6:00 - so they could check his glucose every hour. 

 

in my past life i would have gone to hang out in a bookstore or taken my book (in my purse) and gone to a coffee shop for 2 1/2 hours.  now, of course, the former is unthinkable and the latter is downright impossible.  my anxiety allows for none of that!  i came home, through heavy traffic, and watched M*A*S*H, read my book and missed orson.  fought my way back to the vet then home again through worse traffic.

 

orson has a UTI which might be interfering with his insulin (it's not been very effective lately) so he has antibiotics to add to the insulin regimen. 

 

when i was sitting at the vet at 6:10 i was pretty upset about losing my day.  but then i heard a woman crying in another room and realized her day was far and away worse than mine in that she lost her kitty or puppy today.  i don't know which but my heart breaks for her.  i've had to euthanize babies before and it's such a terrible loss.  i came home to my 3 animals and felt thankful.

 

tomorrow will come too soon as i now have 3 loads of clothes to wash and it's already 8:30. 

 

grace and peace