save the ta-tas

a few weeks ago i noticed some sharp pains in my right breast.  then last week i noticed a burning/stinging pain on the underside of the same breast.  i did some online research while waiting for my numerous phone calls to be returned.  the good news:  breast cancer rarely presents with pain.  the bad news: i'm uninsured, not 40 (though i am 39 years, 6 months and 3 weeks old) and poor. 

 

it took 3 hours at the neighborhood clinic, an exam and a week before i was able to get a referral to yet another clinic.  i  go in the morning for a mammogram and possibly an ultrasound (to the tune of $400).  THIS is why we need the ACA.

 

if i didn't have a little money in the bank from my grandmother's estate i would be unable to get these tests.  it's abhorrent to me that i might die before i could get these tests just because i'm 6 months too young.  i'm 39.  my grandmother had a double-mastectomy at 39.  my aunt had breast cancer in her 20s. 

 

no matter, i will pay the $400 and get health insurance in january whether i have breast cancer (AKA a pre-existing condition) or not.

 

take THAT republicans!

 

grace and peace

 

the princess and the pea

a little more than three years ago when i moved back into this house after the flood i moved in a set of $25 mattresses that my mother bought at a yard sale.  i've slept on them nearly every night and EVERY night that i slept on them i was reminded that they weren't MINE.  they didn't feel like mine, they didn't sleep like mine, they weren't mine.

 

the first thing i wanted to do with a little money from my grandmother's estate was buy new mattresses.  i did.  my mother had to go shopping with me and daddy had to be here today as they were delivered but tonight i will sleep on MY OWN MATTRESSES!

 

nearly 3 1/2 years since the flood and things are still undone, in disrepair, unpainted, neglected and downright ignored but this one little thing is a BIG thing.  i spend so much time bemoaning the fact that everything i own is a replacement for something i lost and while that is true and disconcerting i hope i will not feel that way when i lie down tonight.  it's gonna get cold tonight and the dog and cats and i are gonna pile up in our new bed and start a new book. 

 

grace and peace

inertia

STUCK! 

 

that's how i feel today.  i feel it most days in some sense but today it's worse.  i can't seem to find the energy, the wherewithal, the motivation or the drive to do much of anything.  i don't want to clean, i don't want to cook, i don't want to read or write or practice my guitar.  i just want to sit and stare at the tv without being able to pay the least bit of attention to the football game i've been "watching" since 3 p.m.  it's now halftime and i can't recall having seen one actual play. 

 

i had big plans for the yesterday:  take car in for oil change, run by and see the changes to my grandparents place, visit with a friend, buy a baby gift, shop for some clothes, buy books for the store.  those things i managed with the help of my dear friend, kelly.

 

today the plans were:  church, shop for mattresses, buy my bike, ride my bike, do laundry, return a few things i bought at goodwill yesterday, cook, clean, etc.  okay, that's WAY to much for me to do in one weekend but today so far i've finished a very short book and made myself a smoothie.  that's it.  oh, i picked out 1 or 2 songs on the guitar...

 

inertia.  when days like this come i become overly anxious that my post-flood like will never be free of days when i just CAN'T. DO. ANYTHING!  granted, because i've always been an insomniac, i had days like this pre-flood BUT now they come filled with the memory of the exhaustion, the panic, the fear, the numbness and the pain of those post-flood "down days".  the ones where all i could do was sit and stare at the wall completely disconnected from the world and living in a constant state of post-trauma shock. 

 

those of us living with PTSD usually have a handful, or more, of triggers that set off panic attacks or heightened anxiety.  i have several and one of them is being overly tired.  that's where i am today and i'm wishing that i were off for columbus day tomorrow.

 

grace and peace  

two peas in a pod

i spent a long time today talking to a wonderful lady about books and trauma and survival.  she lost everything in katrina in new orleans.  she talked, listened and understood.  it's invaluable to meet people who know what a loss like that means. 

 

for all my anxiety and panic, stress and fear i am grateful for days like today when all the pain and anger feel like they serve a purpose.  to have her come into the store and find what she was looking for and provide what i was looking for (a bit of peace) i feel humbled.

 

i also feel tired.  tired to the bone.  like i've had a marathon therapy session and now all i want to do is lie on the couch in the dark with the dog and listen to the rain.  i can't concentrate enough to enjoy the new episodes of TV (on the lone CBS station) and even though i am super excited about the new stephen king novel i have no hope of comprehending so i'll save it for tomorrow. 

grace and peace

 



and so it goes

for those of us with PTSD there is a new (30 years old now) therapy called EMDR  (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing).  it is supposed to help the right and left sides of the brain process trauma as a whole. 

 

when trauma happens the left side of the brain - the logical, linear, problem-solving side of the brain shuts down and the right side of the brain stores all the trauma.  the right side of the brain is the sights, sounds, feelings, reactions, memories, etc.  it takes on all the trauma but stores it in a fractious manner.  there is no ability for the PTSD affected brain to convince itself that the trauma happened yesterday, last week, last year or at age 5.  the right brain tells us that the trauma is happening NOW. 

 

EMDR is supposed to help transfer the trauma to the logical and chronological left side of the brain and help my right brain and my memories, my heart, my fight-or-flight-or-freeze response to be put into perspective.

 

i am TERRIFIED of this therapy.  i have to relive each moment of the trauma (in this case the flood - though i have had many traumas in my life) and work on moving it around inside my damaged, tired, scared and scarred brain. 

 

i have documented the losses of the flood for 3 years now.  there have been many more non-flood related losses as well.  a quick list:  a dog, an aunt, a cat, a grandfather, a great-aunt, a grandmother (7 days ago) my other, 96 year old grandmother, is in the hospital with pneumonia. 

 

EMDR can't do what it's supposed to do if the participant (patient - ME) is in the middle of a new lose or recent grief.  today i feel like i will never be at a time and place when there WON'T be a new loss.  i'm so tired of loss and grief and pain and fear.  it's the classic double edged sword or catch-22, whichever you prefer.  

 

RIP Elizabeth Ray Jackson Lowe Willis, my grandmother, who had much more trauma in her 87 years than i in my 39.  i love you!

grace and peace

"it's my party..."

i waited all day long to get to the house and cry in private.  now i'm here and NOTHING!  i guess crying in public all day at work today was enough.  it doesn't feel like enough.

 

grace and peace

breathe in, breathe out

my anxiety is through the roof.  last night i worried all night that someone would break into the bookstore and steal orson the cat.  no one did, but that didn't keep me from worrying all night about it.  tonight i had to go the CVS (one of 2 pre-approved places that i can shop - the other being trader joe's) and the lady that is usually at the check-out went on break while i was shopping and i couldn't check out because i didn't know the guy behind the counter.  i had to stay an extra 20 minutes, and spend an extra $20, until my normal lady got off break. 

 

i finally realized once i got home tonight that my heightened anxiety has been present since the day that there was flooding in nashville a couple of weeks ago.  i've got a call in to my psychiatrist to talk about my meds but i haven't heard anything yet. 

 

i was talking to someone about PTSD today and i got anxious all over again about the fact that it doesn't go away but that those of us afflicted have to learn how to live with it instead of how to cure it.  that's anathema to me.  i want it gone and cured and in my past not just "managed!"  it's such a hard thing to accept.

 

my therapy is progressing but i always feel like it's one step forward and two steps back.  i guess that's normal.  i don't know.  i don't know much right now. 

 

grace and peace