a decade beyond

ten years today since the flood.  it feels like a lifetime.  it also feels like one continuous event that has a definite beginnning but no discernible end.  

in light of the events of the last several weeks i find that some of the anxieties i haven't felt in a while are back:  the sensitivity to sirens, the disdain for filling out forms, AKA begging for money, (for unemployment, for a small business loan, for any and all help for which i'm eligible), and an overwhelming agoraphobia.

i've been behind the wheel of my car only 4 times in 6+ weeks.  three times i went to my bookstore (1 mile from my home) and once i went to get a COVID-19 test (about 10 miles roundtrip).  when i was sick i didn't have the energy to feel my anxiety but now that i'm symptom-free it's here with a vengeance.  just in time for this anniversary.  ugh.  i avoid social media and all local news on this day.  it helps.  i avoided a breakdown today until the 23rd hour.  

at 11:00 pm i happened upon a hill street blues rerun.  the music from the opening credits (if you're my age or older you know what i mean!) sent me into an emotional frenzy.  once the tears started to flow it took a while to get them to stop.  

i'm wrung out.  i do my best not to let the day get to me.  but my body knows and responds anyway.  it's a quarter till midnight.  i will watch for the clock to greet may 3 (my best friend's birthday) and i will fall into bed.

grace and peace and more peace, please          

      

positive

my bookstore has been closed for 6 1/2 weeks but i certainly don't feel like it. i was sick for 4 weeks! (3 of which i had a fever) so that time is just lost. the only way i am sure it's been so long is the state of my bank accounts.  after 5 weeks, my unemployment was finally approved. i still haven't been paid yet but i know it's coming. that's something. i'm expecting my stimulus check any day now too. i've applied for tiny small business loans and other resources as well.  

no news on when i'll be able to open. we have to have 14 days of declining numbers. as of today i think we are on day 1. (and we aren't testing on tuesdays-just monday, wednesday, friday.) we'll see.  

i miss this place but i won't go back until it's safe. it's a lot of stress to know that i have to make this decision. having had the virus, i know how scary and serious it is and i will not put my customers at risk.  

each of us is in a tough spot right now and we have to make the best decisions for ourselves, our families and our neighbors. i do feel the added pressure to not make a mistake that affects one of my customers.  that last week i was open i felt like i was doing everything right - i cleaned the door handles, the bathroom, the tablet, etc. after every customer left the store and i still contracted the virus.  

stay safe, y'all. stay home if you can. wash your hands. wear a mask. we're all in this together.

grace and peace and health

    

more of the same

today i don't feel good.  i mean, i really don't feel good.  i'm not worse i'm just exhausted from the shortness of breath.  i feel like my lungs weigh 100 pounds a piece.  y'all, this virus is no joke.  

i applied for unemployment yesterday.  i wasn't sure i would able to since i'm self-employed but these are extraordinary times.  i hope that it is approved because i can't live without it.  my money is disappearing and i have nothing coming in.  i'm quarantined until at least april 8 and there is a mandatory closure of non-essential businesses until april 15.  i can't imagine for a minute that the date won't get pushed.  we are weeks from the apex of this.

i don't feel well enough to be anxious.  all i can do is concentrate on breathing.  maybe that's a blessing.  i'm unsure about everything right now but i'm not very anxious at the moment.  i am, however, anxious about not being anxious.  i'm worried that it will blindside me when i finally feel better.

i'm gonna try not to borrow trouble and keep doing what i'm doing.  i'm reading a lot of books and watching a lot of movies (and more tv than ever in my life) and listening to a lot of records.  i want to write more than i am but i don't really feel well enough to be creative in that way.  here's hoping it comes before this is over. 

grace and peace           

virus from hell

well, y'all, is this surreal or what?  i'm having a hard time getting my mind around it.  i've had mild symptoms for about a week now.  my doctor's office is confident i have it and that i picked it up at my bookstore.  i really only spoke with a doctor because i have asthma and i wanted to be sure that i had a new inhaler handy just in case.  he called it in and CVS pharmacy mailed it to me.  i'm now quarantined until at least april 7 - which is my birthday.

i'm glad i closed the store when i did.  i've been closed since i left there on saturday the 14th.  unfortunately i ran a few errands on that weekend, and early last week, to stock up on groceries, etc.  i sure hope i didn't make anyone else sick. 

i'm anxious about the store being closed and no money coming in.  however, for some inexplicable reason, i'm only a little anxious.  maybe it's that i'm sick.  maybe it's that i can't do one single thing about it.  maybe it's that i know that no matter what happens - whether i'm closed a month or whether i never open again - that somehow i will be fine.  see, i've survived worse.

so many people are in my boat right now.  i am confident that we will pull together and survive this.  and there are so many folks who are very sick and dying and so many families who have already lost loved ones that my little bookstore and my chest pain and my shortness of breath seem inconsequential.

i'm angry that people still aren't taking it seriously.  i'm angry that huge corporations are putting profits ahead of people.  i'm angry that the federal government will bail out the corporations and that most of us will get a $1,200 check...in a few months.  how will $1,200 pay for months of my closed store?  how will $1,200 help a family who lost one or both incomes for weeks upon weeks. how will $1,200 help most people when it won't even cover one months rent?  

ugh...i'm exhausted.  take care of yourselves.  wash your hands, keep your distance when you have to go out, stay home as much as you can.

grace and peace 

      

disaster relief

a tornado struck nashville overnight:  22 dead and more missing.  i'm feeling a lot today.  there is no way to put into words the thoughts and emotions i'm feeling right now but i feel like i should try.

i wish i could say that sadness was the first emotion but it's not.  i am sad for the loss of life and for the loss of homes and businesses but i'm mostly anxious!  (of course, anxiety is the first emotion i feel on any given day.)  anytime a natural disaster hits i feel so bad for the victims because i know what they are feeling right now.  i know how scared and sad and exhausted they are.  i know they just want to get their hands on their loved ones or one tiny family heirloom and those things might not be possible.  might never be possible again.  they are, in the next few days, going to begin the long hard road of FEMA applications and hotel rooms, clean-up and recovery, tetanus shots and learning to live with everything in their lives being a replacement for something else.  it's devastating.  i hope others are better at it than i was/am.  i'm still not good at it.  

my therapist called and advised that i stay home today.  i had to go vote and check on the store (no damage in my neighborhood).  i put a sign on the door and came home.  i'm mostly anxiously pacing the floor.  i will open tomorrow.  i will hope to have a plan in place to accept donations.

remember that donations to national charities are important but consider giving to local churches or community organizations. local folks who actually put cash and necessities into the hands of those that need help right here in nashville (instead of the red cross or united way who accept donations in nashville but may send that money out of state to other deserving people but won't go to help your neighbors or neighborhoods).

i apologize for the disjointed nature of this post and some questionable grammar choices but my brain and my fingers aren't working as a team right this minute.  

(much needed) grace and peace  

the official countdown

got the official word today that the new owners of the building want to renegotiote a new lease when mine expires in june BUT that my rent will double.

so they (a university-my alma mater) "want" me to stay but they intend to make it impossible to do so.  they will, within the next 2 years, tear down this 100 year old building and build shiny, new, soulless, generic buildings in its place but they can't continue to rent to me in the meantime at my current rate?  they have to double the rent?

no, they don't have to.  they choose to.  the university representative said that if i leave they won't rent the space to someone else they will just move in some existing university employees.  so it will become office space and they won't make any money at all.  still, that's preferable to them than cashing my rent check and keeping an alumna-owned small business on the block.

it's not hard to tell that i'm angry about this.  i'm also greif-stricken and anxious about it.  i have some time before i have to let them know what i intend to do but there's only one answer:  i have to close.  there is no way i can pay more.  there is no way i can afford rent anywhere else in nashville.  so the dream is ending.  it's heartbreaking.

i have to stop thinking about it tonight.  it's exactly what i knew was going to happen so it's not at all a surprise.  it just starts the countdown in an official way.  on june 30th...i'm done.  

lent begins tomorrow and i haven't spent any time on my plan for observing.  some years i give up something.  some years i add something.  this year i have no idea how to do either and sustain it for 40 days.  i'm already overwhelmed. 

i'm gonna fall into bed and pray for sleep!

grace and peace  

to write or not to write

these days i can't seem to write anything.  i've just managed a handful of blog posts in the first 7 weeks of the year.  BUT...i'm trying not to be too hard on myself.  i need to write this blog for my sanity and i want to be writing on a fiction piece i've been working on for a while but i'm pretty worn out these days.  

the store takes it out of me and my anxiety is very high!  this week my therapist told me that i'm the highest functioning agoraphobic she's ever treated.  i suppose that's something to be proud of(?)!  i am an agoraphobic but i go to the store every day and i talk to strangers all day all the while somewhat terrified of being out of the house.  i suppose i'm able to do it because i'm also somewhat terrified of being in the house.  (i also have no choice.)  

anyway, i'm really going to work on setting aside a few minutes a day to get myself back into the habit of writing.  i know it helps.  i don't know for sure what my reluctance is other than the general anxiety of recording some of my anxious thoughts on the blog.  that, and my general laziness and procrastination when it comes to planning and doing any additional non-bookstore related work.  (you should see the state of the house!) 

grace and peace and writing