the first day of #%*&+!

"just as the painter needs light in order to put the finishing touches to his picture, so i need an inner light, which i feel i never have enough of in the autumn."  leo tolstoy

 

yes, the weather is glorious here in nashville today.  yes, the air smells clean and crisp.  yes, i've spent most of the day out of doors.  yet i mourn to my core the end of summer.  fall brings with it some things i love, football, hockey (in a good year), the vibrant colors but for me it is the precursor to wet, rainy, dreary, sunless november.  the rainy season is almost on us here in middle tennessee and the ground will be soggy, muddy and cold from november-february.  it hurts.

 

this is always the time i vow to spend every sunny minute outside before the sun hides itself from me during the nashville winter.  i sometimes wish i could be the person who embraces fall as the beautiful season it is and yet i more closely align to the russian novelist quoted above.  a sad state of affairs, i suppose, but this quote is far more positive than the ernest hemingway i almost quoted.  that one is a killer!

 

i've been sick for a couple of days and that has added to my melancholy.  the house is still a shambles and though i have managed to run the dishwasher and wash a load of linens i've done precious little.  i read my lesson for church tomorrow and walked winston.  now i'm going to attempt to eat a bland dinner and find some mindless movie or TV episode to distract me.

 

thanks to some very generous friends, when my appetite returns, i have money for groceries.  though i certainly take for granted this season i've been given i do not take for granted the friends and family God has blessed me with.

 

grace and peace  

i hate vampires

tomorrow is the dreaded trip to the psychiatrist.  here's the worst part:

 

him:  "medicine working okay?"

me:   "yes." (thinking - i can't make anyone understand that NONE of this medicine helps me sleep!)

him"  "did you get your blood work?"

me:   "no."  (thinking - i haven't gone to get the blood tests you ordered and NO, i'm NOT going to get my blood drawn.  i'm here for PTSD and anxiety - don't add to my stress!)

him:   "amy, you have to do it.  it won't hurt."

me.    "LIAR!"  (thinking - i HATE you, you vampire!)

 

all that and it's supposed to rain all day tomorrow just like it has today.  my appointment is at 8:45 - will be finished by 9:00 and then i have an hour and a half until work - i won't waste the gas to come back home.  i have $2 cash, no food, no money in the bank, less than half a tank of gas, running low on dog and cat food, 3 more days of work this week and payday isn't until friday so there's no where to go. 

 

this morning i was going through my tin of "state quarters" trying to talk myself into parting with them.  i managed to find 6 doubles.  that's $1.50 of my $2.  if things don't pick up i will cash in the 50 quarters for $12.50 worth of pet food. 

 

anxiety level = high.

 

grace and peace

28 months and counting...

today:  could only leave the house to walk winston even though i desperately needed to go out to the bank.  i did manage to make one of the dreaded phone calls that i've needed to make for weeks re: my school loan.  couldn't get it deferred but i did get the payment reduced.  not that it really matters - i can't pay it.

 

i'm so tired of constantly feeling the effects of the flood.  not just once in a while - but ALL THE TIME.  it still rules my life.  the unfinished house, the unpaid bills, the stress, the anxiety, the feeling of being in danger 24 hours a day, the inability to do the little things, the constant and overwhelming FEAR. 

 

i remain exhausted and i continue to struggle with debilitating headaches (one of the reasons i couldn't go out today, i was afraid to drive with my head hurting this bad.)  i have to go out tomorrow for my therapy appointment and the promised trip to my brother's for the tennessee football game.  here's hoping i can make it. 

 

i keep being reassured that my only mistake in how i'm coping with the flood is the misperception that 2 years is enough time to recover from having everything ripped away in a matter of minutes.  it seems like a ridiculously LONG time but i'm assured that i lost a LIFETIME and that 2 years is only the beginning.  GREAT!

 

grace and peace

headache, day 3

yes, it is only 3:30.  yes, i've already eaten my late lunch/early dinner.  and yes, i may be headed to bed soon.  my headache is still here, my stomach is upset and i want this day to end. 

 

i had an anxious day yesterday in anticipation of today:  i had both my first DAR meeting this morning and a scripture reading (john 1:1-4:42) in front of my church congregation (also streaming live) at 1:00.  i made it through both of those without my anxiety bothering me but now i'm as exhausted as if i had chaired the meeting and written the scripture. 

 

it's so hard to do things that once would have been easy.  when they asked me to say a little bit about myself at the DAR meeting this morning i couldn't think of a thing to say.  i just feel as if i'm going through the motions of this life and that i have nothing left and that i am a shell of my former self.  i managed the requisite, "i was born in raised in nashville, my family has been in tennessee for at least 8 generations, i went to lipscomb, i work at rhino books" and then...nothing.  i don't feel like i have anything to say to "normal" (meaning non-flood victims) people anymore. 

 

i think maybe winston and i will pile up in bed and turn on a movie, it doesn't really matter what.  he's still feeling the aftereffects of his BATH yesterday--meaning he's as exhausted as i am.

 

grace and peace 

the anxious mind

my anxiety is very high these days.  the workday is fine but the minute i leave i feel it rise to near-panic attack level.  i can't figure out if it's because i have to keep it together while at work and then i let down when i leave and fall apart or if it's another one of the anxiety-inducing things on my mind.

 

tonight was the first night i drove home in the dark.  that does not make me happy!  reminds me of the undeniable fact that it's almost september, the impending fall and the dreaded winter not far behind.  the death toll on the big, scary electric signs on the interstate now stands at 666.  it went up 5 today! 

 

i had begun to feel like a horrible person because i so dreaded seeing the '666' that i was almost hoping the number would jump to 667 and then i realized what that would mean.  1 more precious life gone.

 

last night on my way home i got so angry when i drove by a little restaurant that i used to visit with some regularity and saw a group of friends visiting in the tiny parking lot.  my immediate reaction was:  i can't do that anymore.  i can't go there - it's too noisy, the tables are too close together, it's not a pre-approved "safe place" now.  i was reminded of how far i have to go.  how much work there is yet to be done.  how tired i am and how different i am.

 

headaches have plagued me this week and i am once again going to attempt an early bedtime and at least a few hours of sleep.

 

grace and peace



cornbread and cat toys

long day at work today.  didn't sit down all day!  it's still hard to get used to.  i'm so thankful for this job.  it's just perfect for me right now.  it's the only job i've ever had that didn't feel like a waste of a good day!  :)  if only the money allowed me to have some breathing room...

tonight i let my aunt feed me dinner (pinto beans and cornbread) and let my dad give me $20 gas money, a jar of peanut butter and a box of crackers to tide me over until payday on friday. 

i'm still struggling daily with my anxiety but it does seem to abate some while i'm at work because i'm busy all day.  today, though, i was worried about my pug because he ate a cat toy over the weekend and it was causing some problems.  i believe we're out of the woods on that score - he's back to himself tonight. 

i think i will turn off all the gadgets and take my book to bed.  i feel a little overwhelmed and exhausted and do not need to spend any time catching up on "news" like i do some nights about this time.  i'll just take the easy way out and watch "the daily show" in the morning.  

grace and peace 

  

unsettled

today is one of those days...

i don't want to read anything, watch anything, listen to anything, go anywhere or otherwise interact.  i thought for a while about going to my brother's to watch the olympics but thought better of it due to my general moodiness and the amount of gas needed for the 70 mile round trip. 

there's no food here and no energy and/or money to rectify the problem.  i have one potato and i thought of mashed potatoes and green beans (somehow i have a can of green beans!) only to remember that i don't own a mixer anymore.  is it possible that i've not cooked mashed potatoes since the flood?  well, i'll have to settle for a baked potato, then!

it's unseasonably cool outide today (low 80s) so i've spent some blocks of time outside sitting, staring directly into the sun, or making winston walk more than he bargained for today.

i guess i'll continue to pick up a book, put it down, turn on music, listen to a song or two and turn it off, try to concentrate long enough to watch an episode of a sitcom and then lose my place or get to the end and realize i've not actually seen it.  ugh!!

i hate these days.  these are the only days when i miss not having a TV.  with a TV at least i could flip channels until midnight and not know where the time went.

grace and peace