disaster relief

a tornado struck nashville overnight:  22 dead and more missing.  i'm feeling a lot today.  there is no way to put into words the thoughts and emotions i'm feeling right now but i feel like i should try.

i wish i could say that sadness was the first emotion but it's not.  i am sad for the loss of life and for the loss of homes and businesses but i'm mostly anxious!  (of course, anxiety is the first emotion i feel on any given day.)  anytime a natural disaster hits i feel so bad for the victims because i know what they are feeling right now.  i know how scared and sad and exhausted they are.  i know they just want to get their hands on their loved ones or one tiny family heirloom and those things might not be possible.  might never be possible again.  they are, in the next few days, going to begin the long hard road of FEMA applications and hotel rooms, clean-up and recovery, tetanus shots and learning to live with everything in their lives being a replacement for something else.  it's devastating.  i hope others are better at it than i was/am.  i'm still not good at it.  

my therapist called and advised that i stay home today.  i had to go vote and check on the store (no damage in my neighborhood).  i put a sign on the door and came home.  i'm mostly anxiously pacing the floor.  i will open tomorrow.  i will hope to have a plan in place to accept donations.

remember that donations to national charities are important but consider giving to local churches or community organizations. local folks who actually put cash and necessities into the hands of those that need help right here in nashville (instead of the red cross or united way who accept donations in nashville but may send that money out of state to other deserving people but won't go to help your neighbors or neighborhoods).

i apologize for the disjointed nature of this post and some questionable grammar choices but my brain and my fingers aren't working as a team right this minute.  

(much needed) grace and peace  

the official countdown

got the official word today that the new owners of the building want to renegotiote a new lease when mine expires in june BUT that my rent will double.

so they (a university-my alma mater) "want" me to stay but they intend to make it impossible to do so.  they will, within the next 2 years, tear down this 100 year old building and build shiny, new, soulless, generic buildings in its place but they can't continue to rent to me in the meantime at my current rate?  they have to double the rent?

no, they don't have to.  they choose to.  the university representative said that if i leave they won't rent the space to someone else they will just move in some existing university employees.  so it will become office space and they won't make any money at all.  still, that's preferable to them than cashing my rent check and keeping an alumna-owned small business on the block.

it's not hard to tell that i'm angry about this.  i'm also greif-stricken and anxious about it.  i have some time before i have to let them know what i intend to do but there's only one answer:  i have to close.  there is no way i can pay more.  there is no way i can afford rent anywhere else in nashville.  so the dream is ending.  it's heartbreaking.

i have to stop thinking about it tonight.  it's exactly what i knew was going to happen so it's not at all a surprise.  it just starts the countdown in an official way.  on june 30th...i'm done.  

lent begins tomorrow and i haven't spent any time on my plan for observing.  some years i give up something.  some years i add something.  this year i have no idea how to do either and sustain it for 40 days.  i'm already overwhelmed. 

i'm gonna fall into bed and pray for sleep!

grace and peace  

to write or not to write

these days i can't seem to write anything.  i've just managed a handful of blog posts in the first 7 weeks of the year.  BUT...i'm trying not to be too hard on myself.  i need to write this blog for my sanity and i want to be writing on a fiction piece i've been working on for a while but i'm pretty worn out these days.  

the store takes it out of me and my anxiety is very high!  this week my therapist told me that i'm the highest functioning agoraphobic she's ever treated.  i suppose that's something to be proud of(?)!  i am an agoraphobic but i go to the store every day and i talk to strangers all day all the while somewhat terrified of being out of the house.  i suppose i'm able to do it because i'm also somewhat terrified of being in the house.  (i also have no choice.)  

anyway, i'm really going to work on setting aside a few minutes a day to get myself back into the habit of writing.  i know it helps.  i don't know for sure what my reluctance is other than the general anxiety of recording some of my anxious thoughts on the blog.  that, and my general laziness and procrastination when it comes to planning and doing any additional non-bookstore related work.  (you should see the state of the house!) 

grace and peace and writing    

piling on

i feel like i should write something tonight but i have no idea what to say.  i'm overwhelmed.  that's all i feel...overwhelmed by everything:  life, the bookstore, upcoming choices, the past, my present, the future, grief, hard facts that have to be faced, going through life with a mental illness, looking at everything through the lens of trama and loss.  

how would one not feel overwhelmed?

i am, by no means, alone in this.  most of these things are faced by an awful lot of people on this green and blue planet hurtling through space.  but one thing i really struggle with is that people offer me very little comfort.  i'm not a people person.  i want a deserted island and the comforts of life but NO people.  knowing i'm not alone is, most often, a very cold comfort to me.  i wish i were alone...most of the time.

i don't wish i were different in this but i feel like maybe it would be easier at times.  community and all that.  i know that's what God created us for; it's one of the things i can't wait to ask him about on the new earth.  here on this earth i struggle with it so very much.  

i'm gonna try to get a little extra rest tonight so i'm headed to bed early (at just after 11:00 - it's very early for me).  

grace and peace and rest

lazy sunday

full disclosure:  i had plans to go to church this morning (as i plan to do every sunday morning) and then to attend a meeting at daddy's church-a biblical seminar on grief-at 1:00 BUT all i've done is walk the dog, eat toast for breakfast and finish my re-read of the fourth harry potter book.  i've also read my bible study for the day and spent a good deal of time in prayer.

now i'm watching a hockey game while waiting on the titans game to start.  i have a full day tomorrow: therapy, haircut, meeting a friend for coffee, grocery store.  i'm so exhausted these days that i need one day a week that i don't have to leave the house.  when i have no plans on monday i have an easier time getting to church. i'm making it to my wednesday night class without fail but i'm struggling with getting to church sunday mornings.  i get home saturday night so stressed out and exhausted that i'm useless until about supper time sunday night (i'm a night-owl).  

january at the store has been abysmal.  it's wearing on me like it hasn't before.  i don't know if it's because, with the sale of the building, i know my days/months are numbered or what but it's killing me.  it's obvious that the neighborhood in which i'm located can no long support a bookstore.  it's obvious that the new owners of the buiding see no value in a bookstore being there.  

it's so hard to know this 100 year old building with so much history - that is so loved by the neighborhood - is going to be destroyed.  anyway, i'm angry about it.  i'm angry that the city is changing so much.  i'm angry that the neighborhood is changing so much.  i'm angry at the people who don't come in.  i'm angry at the people who do come in, compliment the store in such glowing terms then wish me luck and walk out without buying anything.  i'm angry at more than that but you get the drift.  

i'm angry and that makes me tired.  being angry is so taxing and destructive.  i don't want to spend the last few months that i get to live my dream being so angry.  i'm trying really hard (hence all my time in prayer) to enjoy the positive things: the genuine interactions, the in depth, nerdy book talks, the compliments, etc.  i want to appreciate those while i still have them.  i do know that when this is over that those are the things that will comfort me. that those are the things i will look back on in the days and years to come when i tell people about what it was like to own my own piece of heaven - a used bookstore.

grace and peace

    

my brain feels full

i'm tired, y'all.  very tired.  i took 4 days off at new year's but don't feel rested.  i opened the bookstore sunday to do inventory and year end paperwork.  i was hopeful that since dorms were opening that i would sell some books but that didn't happen.  i was so disappointed to see my 2019 sales and final numbers that i was near tears when i left.

i had a good therapy appointment monday morning and a decent day off.  i feel a little more settled after a productive day today but i don't know how much more of this i can take.  i stopped to pick up dinner on the way home because there is nothing here to eat that i don't have to cook.  while waiting i saw a news story about the peril that nashville retail is in.  listen, i don't need to see it on the news.  i'm living it.

the building sold, my lease is up in june, but i'm not even sure i can make it that long.  the stress is likely having some serious negative effects on me.  but how would i know?  how would i know?  

i'm sick at the thought of closing but i know it's my only option.  in my best moments i comfort myself by repeating a few things that i know for sure:  "it's nothing you did," "you've worked so hard!," "you did a hard thing," "most people never get to live their dream and you did!" in my worst moments it's dark.  it's miserable and it's not worth repeating.  i'm tired and i'm sad and i'm angry.  

i don't know how this ends.  anything can happen.  i try to just go day to day but i'm really not good at it.  i know that i will survive this.  i know that i've survived worse.  i still want to avoid it.  i want to keep my store and avoid the pain and stress of losing it.  i want to avoid job interviews and a boss and co-workers.  i want to avoid feeling like a failure and starting over... AGAIN.  i want to work hard and do a service and be rewarded for it.  i don't want to do any of this.

if you pray...pray for me.

grace and peace

  

so it goes

the rain continues.  here i am...nearly 10 years from the flood and i'm so anxious today because of all the rain i can hardly breathe.  it's going to rain all night so that sets me up to have to try and get any sleep possible with music playing (or the tv on) loud enough to keep me from hearing the rain.  i like total darkness and quiet at night as i'm already a raging insomniac!

i've grown weary over these last 10 years of trying to explain anxiety to people who think it is controllable or that it is situational.  it isn't.  yes, there are situations when the acute symptoms present themselves but mostly it is a chronic state of being.  the anxiety i feel when it rains hard for long periods of time doesn't happen in isolation.  it is added to the underlying, steady anxiety i feel all the time.

it's exhausting.

i have acquired some coping mechanisms over these years and they help.  i rarely have a panic attack anymore.  that is a blessing.  but the point is that the aftermath of trauma is long-lasting for some of us.  the calendar has counted off many days since may 2, 2010 but my body and brain spend a lot of time surviving that day. still.  

grace and peace