today's four-letter word

lost:  having gone astray or missed the way; bewildered as to place or direction.

there is no other way to describe how i feel today but to say that i am LOST.  i'm having one of those days that i do illogical things and therefore add to my state of bewilderment.  this afternoon i bundled up (the temperature is in the 30s), got winston on his leash and set out the 2 blocks to the mailbox with my netflix movie and one letter to mail.  we got there in a huff, as we hate the cold, before i realized that i had neglected to put a stamp on the letter.  it will have to wait for tomorrow because i am NOT going back.  that, and i can't find my stamps!

for some reason i later felt the overwhelming need to go to the bank.  (the nearest of which has no drive-thru window so that's out.)  i set out the nearly 10 miles to another branch and pulled in to the parking lot before i realized that i had no reason at all to be there.  i had no check to deposit, no money to withdraw, no means or energy with which to rob the place so i sat in the parking lot and tried to come up with a reason for being there.  i looked longingly at the target next door, the pier 1 at the end of the shopping complex and remembered the days that i could just walk into a store by myself and not feel like i would die upon entry.  those days are gone. 

with the gas wasted and the trip for naught i decided i would drive-thru the nearby starbucks (or the dunkin' donuts across the street depending on the length of the line) for a cup of coffee that i didn't need or particularly want.  luckily the starbucks line wasn't too bad so i was able to use a gift card and not spend any "real" money. 

i'm disoriented today.  i've checked my phone to verify the day countless times - i cannot make sense of it being tuesday so i keep having to look at the calendar.  i don't know what difference it makes but losing track of date and time feels scary.  i remember going for lunch and grocery shopping with a friend on sunday afternoon but i have no conscious memory of yesterday at all.  part of that is that i'm not working now so the days all run together but there is so much time that i cannot account for that it leaves me confused, frightened and, yes, LOST!

grace and peace

i bleed orange

it happened today.  my football team lost and we are not eligible for a bowl game.  that means that my college football season is over...in november!  it's awful.  as little southern girls we are taught to love and/or revere certain things, they are:

1.  our daddies;

2.  Jesus;

3.  our college football colors, mascot and coach;

4.  the make of car our daddies drive; and

5.  robert e. lee.

i grew up knowing that i would drive a ford (and i did--a baby blue mustang convertible) until we, as a family, switched to nissan.  i also grew up wearing orange every saturday from august-new years as those were the months that correspond with the university of tennessee volunteers football schedule.  i have untold amounts of orange clothing (and no one really looks good in orange!)  pre-flood i had at least a half dozen bottles of orange toenail polish (those too are orange for fall.)  i now only have one bottle of orange polish (bought for me by daddy shortly after the flood.)

i was food and familied out after the thanksgiving celebrations so i stayed home to watch the game on-line.  it was horrible.  i will never know if they could have pulled it out (we only lost by 3 points) had i driven across town to watch with the family!  we sports fans are a superstitious lot. 

my maternal grandmother is on her way to the hospital tonight with a high fever.  i'm worried about her and am waiting to hear some news.  my mono continues to hang on.  it was a beautiful day here today and we spent a good deal of time outside--rain and cold are expected tomorrow. 

my anxiety hasn't been too bad today.  at least until the sun went down and i started my hunt for the moon.  it's very cloudy now so there's no hope of seeing it tonight but the last 2 nights it's been relatively clear yet i have been unable to spot it.  i know nothing about the phases of the moon, i pay little to no attention to its location, but i have begun to be paranoid about its conspicuous absence since thursday night.  it was clear and i could see innumerable stars (rare this close to downtown) but the moon was MIA.  i haven't seen it since and am feeling a little uneasy about it. 

there is no limit to the wild, irrational thoughts to which i am prone these days.  i feel as if the earth itself has slipped from its orbit and i am the only one who knows it.

grace and peace



d-day

i'm getting ready to leave for the family thanksgiving and i am NOT in a good place to do so.  my anxiety is through the roof this morning.  i love my family, each and every one, but dread interacting with the whole. 

i will not be asked about the flood and my recovery because it happened 18 months ago and to everyone but me--it's over.  i will be asked how the job search is going and i just can't stand the pat reply that i know i will give, "it's a hard market.  there's not much out there.  something will come!"  when what i want to say is "i've had 2 interviews in 18 months, this is the worst economy since the great depression, i am in no shape, mentally, to work right now but that i have no money left!!!!" 

i got a call when i was in the shower asking me to call over there before i leave the house--no doubt someone wants me to stop and pick something up.  i can't go in anywhere alone so now i have to either not call back and say i didn't get the message, call back and make an excuse because being too scared to go to the store to buy butter will not be understood (nor the fact that i have no money to do so!) or call my brother to take care of it for me.  i am thankful for my big brother! 

i'm a wreck and only want to crawl back into bed and hide!!  or get in the car and drive until i run out of gas and start over where ever i end up...

grace and peace and thanksgiving

a walking bullseye

the level to which anxiety has invaded my life still boggles my mind.  this week i've been struggling with a near constant feeling of vulnerability.  i made myself go to dinner with a friend last night but told her that i was sure her van would get flattened by a meteor before night's end.  i feel exposed, as if i'm walking around naked while trying not to draw attention to myself. 

nothing feels safe.  today i've even been unable to watch television.  this week i have encountered 3 episodes of 3 different shows that have left me terribly anxious:  one having to do with a house fire, the 2 others dealing with PTSD and showing brief but realistic panic attacks.  i watched all 3 shows but shoudln't have.  now i'm reluctant to do even that.  i've read a lot and listened to a lot of music today. 

my brother just called and told me to watch the thanksgiving episode of WKRP where they are dropping live turkeys from a helicopter.  HA!  i will watch that tonight!  i'm going to his house tomorrow for a day of football (we celebrate thanksgiving on the day after with the family.)  i wish that i had my copy of "home for the holidays" but i lost it in the flood.  it is my absolute favorite thanksgiving/disfunctional family movie!  it's gone.

i am thankful for many things.  i wish that i were as adept at listing those things as i am at listing the lost things, the scary things, the different things and the new things.

     

for want of a rainbow

family drama, money woes, panic attacks, a death in the family, muscle aches, holiday stress, low-grade fever AND i'm out of bananas!!  i'm so overwhelmed i can't imagine ever feeling any different.  i certainly can't imagine ever feeling better. 

i am a loner by nature (and nurture too, i suppose) but there are days like today when i wish i had a husband.  or at least someone who could fight some of these fights, fill out some of this paperwork, do some of the decision making and planning on my behalf.  i'm so tired of having to do it all.  i'm not sure i'll ever find the motivation to get the house finished and i don't care anymore.

my exhaustion and apathy are bone-deep.  i have nothing left to give.  maybe one day the fear and pain i feel will lessen but i know that some of the changes in me are permanent.  the old me and the new me are in an epic battle for my peace of mind (sanity, if you will) and i'm not in tune with either of them enough to know who to root for.  

it's warm here, but rainy.  the animals and i have hunkered down.  i still maintain that winter hibernation is the way to go.  i don't remember the last time i saw the sun.   should i be listening to neil young?  i don't know...the good part of my day was a much-needed phone call from my best friend.  i think i may have even laughed once.  i love you even though you hate neil young!

grace and peace   

6 weeks of holiday cheer (not in this house!)

it happened today...the Christmas lights at the opryland hotel were lit.  i hate Christmas.  i HATE it!  these lights, all 2 million of them, will be lit 24 hours a day through new year's.  there will be countless people from all over the world who come to see every tree, bush and all 600,000+ square feet of the hotel covered in lights.  i will turn my head and curse it, sometimes under my breath, sometimes out loud, sometimes with the windows rolled down and sometimes to locals and tourists alike.  i live very close to this hotel and there is very little nearby but the damn river, other hotels, numerous steak houses and a mall that has been closed since it was destroyed by the flood. 

i spend every saturday night all year round cursing the tourists here in music city, U.S.A. for the grand ole opry.  i don't listen to country music, i don't like country music and i hate to fight the traffic and tourists all weekend, every weekend.  now they have millions of lights that draw fans of one more institution i despise:  Christmas.  bastards!

i've had an emotional day:  therapy, another hour-long fight with metro about the money promised to me more than a year ago, the imminent death of a great-aunt due to stroke and the dreaded inevitability of an empty bank account.  more money will come within the week but i am worth $5.00 right now.  that's all i have in the world. 

i again feel totally unequipped to cope with any of these things.  if i were at all able to envision or imagine my future i'm sure i would be scared to death but i've lost that particular skill.  i just feel empty and tired.  i have no bigger concern than whether i get a decent nights sleep.  

i spent the afternoon with my beloved cousin and her two precious kids.  i always feel better with her, though i don't feel like myself.  it's kind of like seeing myself interact but not being totally present.  that's the dissociation that i'm trying to tackle in therapy.  that's one of the long laundry list of things to tackle.  no wonder i'm so tired!

grace and peace  

the agony and the ecstasy

agony:  i have a new obsession.  for the last 2 days a man in a silver nissan has parked across the street from my house on numerous occasions throughout the day.  at some point he gets out of the car and disappears but most of the time he sits in the car.  i want to approach him, knock on the window and give him a little of this: 

"you know, we've all been through enough around here and we are all a bundle of raw nerves.  can you please not park here and check your email or ditch your car while you case the neighborhood or walk down the street to have a midday affair because i cannot stand to see this car here!  i'm afraid.  i'm angry and i won't be able to take this much longer!!"

i won't do that for fear that i will scream until i lose my voice, he calls the police or i die of an aneurysm.  i have to go outside to walk winston or i would absolutely not leave this wretched house while he was parked there.  why does he park there?!  where does he go?!  why do i have to put up with one more thing that feels like a threat?!  i just want something to feel normal, something to feel okay, but nothing does. 

ecstasy:  i spent the morning, while not standing at the window checking on the aforementioned car, finishing the new stephen king book.  absolute greatness!  i loved every page of it (nearly 850 pages.)  i remain in awe of his imagination and swoon at his writing ability.  he writes sentences that i would gladly give my eye teeth (ha!) to have written.

my sleep is in "catch up mode" so i am sleeping at weird hours during the day while not sleeping much at night.  i am so tired.  still feeling under the weather and fighting mono (or mono-like affliction.)  my temperature is up tonight and i am readying tonight's bowl of soup for supper. 

i will eat a bite and begin the search for a new novel to read.  i always feel somewhat bad for the book i pick up after a stephen king because it never measures up.  i try to pick something totally different...just to be fair.

grace and peace