it happened today...the Christmas lights at the opryland hotel were lit. i hate Christmas. i HATE it! these lights, all 2 million of them, will be lit 24 hours a day through new year's. there will be countless people from all over the world who come to see every tree, bush and all 600,000+ square feet of the hotel covered in lights. i will turn my head and curse it, sometimes under my breath, sometimes out loud, sometimes with the windows rolled down and sometimes to locals and tourists alike. i live very close to this hotel and there is very little nearby but the damn river, other hotels, numerous steak houses and a mall that has been closed since it was destroyed by the flood.
i spend every saturday night all year round cursing the tourists here in music city, U.S.A. for the grand ole opry. i don't listen to country music, i don't like country music and i hate to fight the traffic and tourists all weekend, every weekend. now they have millions of lights that draw fans of one more institution i despise: Christmas. bastards!
i've had an emotional day: therapy, another hour-long fight with metro about the money promised to me more than a year ago, the imminent death of a great-aunt due to stroke and the dreaded inevitability of an empty bank account. more money will come within the week but i am worth $5.00 right now. that's all i have in the world.
i again feel totally unequipped to cope with any of these things. if i were at all able to envision or imagine my future i'm sure i would be scared to death but i've lost that particular skill. i just feel empty and tired. i have no bigger concern than whether i get a decent nights sleep.
i spent the afternoon with my beloved cousin and her two precious kids. i always feel better with her, though i don't feel like myself. it's kind of like seeing myself interact but not being totally present. that's the dissociation that i'm trying to tackle in therapy. that's one of the long laundry list of things to tackle. no wonder i'm so tired!
grace and peace
i'm so sorry i wasn't around to talk on friday night - i was in a play when you called and didn't get the vm until after midnight, then rehearsal all day saturday (and call back for the damn movie of the one act). i'm sorry you had a hard day. i hope the rest of the weekend was better. i love you!!
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