there is no other way to describe how i feel today but to say that i am LOST. i'm having one of those days that i do illogical things and therefore add to my state of bewilderment. this afternoon i bundled up (the temperature is in the 30s), got winston on his leash and set out the 2 blocks to the mailbox with my netflix movie and one letter to mail. we got there in a huff, as we hate the cold, before i realized that i had neglected to put a stamp on the letter. it will have to wait for tomorrow because i am NOT going back. that, and i can't find my stamps!
for some reason i later felt the overwhelming need to go to the bank. (the nearest of which has no drive-thru window so that's out.) i set out the nearly 10 miles to another branch and pulled in to the parking lot before i realized that i had no reason at all to be there. i had no check to deposit, no money to withdraw, no means or energy with which to rob the place so i sat in the parking lot and tried to come up with a reason for being there. i looked longingly at the target next door, the pier 1 at the end of the shopping complex and remembered the days that i could just walk into a store by myself and not feel like i would die upon entry. those days are gone.
with the gas wasted and the trip for naught i decided i would drive-thru the nearby starbucks (or the dunkin' donuts across the street depending on the length of the line) for a cup of coffee that i didn't need or particularly want. luckily the starbucks line wasn't too bad so i was able to use a gift card and not spend any "real" money.
i'm disoriented today. i've checked my phone to verify the day countless times - i cannot make sense of it being tuesday so i keep having to look at the calendar. i don't know what difference it makes but losing track of date and time feels scary. i remember going for lunch and grocery shopping with a friend on sunday afternoon but i have no conscious memory of yesterday at all. part of that is that i'm not working now so the days all run together but there is so much time that i cannot account for that it leaves me confused, frightened and, yes, LOST!
grace and peace
"no means or energy with which to rob the place" - ha! at least you've not lost your sense of humor. i wonder why you wanted to go to the bank? odd. you should have at least driven through and demanded a lollipop. (do banks still give out lollipops?)
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